A quick thought

They say once you die, you learn all you truly wanted to know while you were alive.

I wonder if Grandpa is learning about the type of son he really had. I wonder how he is reacting to this news. I wonder how he feels. I wonder if he knew all along.

I know my other Grandpa comes to me in dreams, and helps me with problems I am having. I wonder if this grandpa will come to me in dreams and help me remember the things which i cannot. In a way, i kind of hope he does...

The dream

The dream changed so quickly.

I was talking to my friend. I was falling in love. And then I heard a noise. I kept hearing noises from upstairs. I told myself they were nothing. Not to worry about them. Then I heard them again, I went to investigate.

All of a sudden I was in our old house. I walked out from the Master bedroom and down the hall. I looked over the banister into the open area of the basement. “whew” i thought “there is nothing above me, it will be ok”. I started to walk back to the room when i saw something. I looked back downstairs and saw the all too familiar leather jacket. I didn’t know what to do.

“What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here!” I said. He looked up. A disgusting hunger in his eyes. “I just came to get some things. I won’t be long”. I went back to the master bedroom to change my clothes to something less revealing. I was in my pajamas. I heard the door handle start to turn and yelled out “just a second”. It kept turning, so i stood next to it to hold it closed. His hand stopped me. I couldn’t get my pants up. I saw his head start to peek through the crack of the door. His eyes so hungry. His smile so disgusting.

I finish pulling up my pants as he walks into the room. He is in the walk in closet getting some things. I grab my laptop and try talking to my friends. “help me. Help me. Help me.” They don’t respond. They don’t believe me. “he’s here. Help me. He’s going to do it again. Help me please please help me.” Still, disbelief. Why won’t the believe me. Finally a response from the guy I was falling in love with at the beginning. He was confused. He was back in my life after years of being gone, and was now confused. “CALL 911 I NEED HELP. TELL THEM TO HELP ME!!!”

He did. He called 911 for me. And then he changed from the friend i was falling in love with, to the man who just broke my heart. “you have to help her. I don’t know her address. She’s not at the address i know for her”. They tell him there are 3 addresses for a mcdonnell in town. He’s not sure which to send them to. They read it again. “yes, that’s it. I remember her saying that one”. They get the right address just as he grabs me.

I break free. I try to run for the door. I try to run to my moms house. No, it wasn’t her house. I tried to run for her work. I couldn’t get the door unlocked. I couldn’t pick up the phone. He grabbed me again. His touch was so cold. It made me so sick. This couldn’t be happening again. Someone needs to help me.

Again i break free from his cold grasp. I run downstairs and try to open the front door. I fumble with the locks. Why is nothing working for me. Why is this happening again. I hear him yell after me that he wants to have ‘gay sex’ with me. I feel sick again. Then he tells me he’s going to ‘squirt it in me’.

The door unlocks. Finally, closer to freedom.

It was overcast outside. Not yet night. I ran for my uncles house, who lived across the street. I started screaming, but nobody could hear me. Where was everyone? I looked to my uncles house for a sign of someone hearing something. The house was dark. I picked up a stick to try to throw to break a window in the house, or hit a wall or door. He caught up with me and threw it at the neighbors house. It hit a wall.

Screaming and crying i kept fighting with him to break free from his grasp. And then it happened. I saw the door open. My uncle on the phone. He’s a cop. He can help. Tears running down my face, i break free from him again. I run to my uncle as he looks around the crescent. He doesn’t even see me, but i feel like i am safe under his wing. I hear him on the phone. He is talking to the police station. “number 66? No, there’s no house that ends in a 66 here”. NO!!!! I scream inside my head. NO!!!! IT’S A 67 NOT A 66 NO!!!!!

The police are sent back to headquarters, thinking nothing is wrong anymore. My uncle turns to walk back inside. I look up at him, the man chasing me. He has a look of victory on his face. I am forever his victim. He will always have control over me. He won again. He got what he wanted. He doesn’t touch me as we walk back to the house. I know what is going to happen, but no longer can I stop it. I succumb to him. I let him have what he wants. I am completely numb as the door closes behind us.

A bell rings and i wake with a start. What just happened? Why is this happening now? I thought the dreams about him were over. I don’t want them to come back.

Memories and confusion.

I woke up tonight at about 11:30pm. The phone was ringing, I let it go to the machine like I do when I am asleep. I listened and heard the familiar voice of my brother. But he sounded different than he normally does when he calls.

"hey becca just calling to call and let you know that dad's dad died, grandpa died this morning. he just called to let me know. um..."

I picked up, half asleep. We talked very briefly about it. I asked when the funeral will be. I'm so torn. My grandpa was the only person in that family that completely accepted my mom, my brother, and I from the time my mom started dating my dad. He never hugged any of his grandkids or children, but he hugged my mom and brother and I.

I can see him sitting in the living room. Nobody was allowed to sit in his chair if he was around. We'd always try to sit there, and he'd always come and kick us out. He was a great man. A man of few words, from what I remember. But he was great. He was the moral compass of that family.

And now I am torn. I knew the day would come where I had to face this. I want to go to the funeral to pay my respects to the family. I haven't seen them in over 5 years. Some of them it has been closer to 15 years since i have seen them. But I don't want to see HIM. I don't want to see my dad. I don't think I could handle seeing him. I don't want to go alone either. I thought of going and sitting in the back of the church, or funeral home, wherever they have the funeral. But seeing him, I don't know if I could even handle seeing him.

And then there's the problem of us being so short staffed that I don't even know if I could go to the funeral if I wanted to. I mean, they HAVE to let me go to the funeral. If anything, i'll have them pull a chicken shift, and I'll do paperwork in the morning, then go to the funeral after I am finished the paperwork, granting that the funeral is in the afternoon. I am just so torn as to what to do.

I thought...

Wow. I knew it wouldn't be easy to see the pictures. It was hard enough finding out he was in love with her. And then to see the pictures. To see how happy she made him. To actually SEE it. What a huge slap in the face.

Beth gave me a writing prompt today. This is what came from it.

I thought I could handle this.

I thought it would be easier to be friends.

I thought this wouldn’t hurt so much.

I knew you loved her.

I knew it would end.

I knew she had your heart.

But I thought I could be with you.

I thought I could prove how much I loved you.

I thought I could make you love me.

I wish I was stronger.

I wish I could tell you all my inner thoughts.

I wish i could be with you.

I thought it was me.

I thought I did something wrong.

I thought I wasn’t good enough.

I know I didn’t.

I know it wasn’t me.

I know I loved you the best I could.

I want to be with you.

I want to feel your love again.

I want to hear your voice again.

I want to feel your touch again.

I want to taste your lips again.

I know that I can’t.

I know I never will.

I know I need to move on.

I don’t think that I can.

I don’t think I am strong enough.

I don’t know how to carry on.

I thought we had no secrets.

I thought we shared together.

I thought we were honest with eachother.

I want to know the truth.

I want you to tell me everything.

I want you to be honest...completely.

I don’t want to hurt anymore.

I don’t want to cry anymore.

I don’t want to love you anymore.

I thought I was moving on.

I thought I was getting better.

I thought I would be ok.

I’m not.

I don't even know how to talk to him anymore. How to talk to anyone. I wish this was all over with. I wish I could turn these feelings off. Just when I think I'm ok, it all comes crashing down again. I wish i knew how to deal...

Song lyrics for a broken hearted fool

I am recently learning that there's life after heartache. It is hard. I hate it. But there is life. These are some Lyrics to songs that are helping with the heartache. Either through anger, love, hurt, laughter...they are words that help. Words that I feel I can connect with....somehow.

These lines from Jann Ardens song Insensitive are lines I can relate to:

How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again

Oh, you probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much

I hear these lyrics, and I wonder how everything could have changed so quickly. Why he doesn't love me anymore. Why one day, these words could be so true, and the next, they mean nothing at all. Allison Krauss' song "you say it best":

it’s amazing how you can speak right to my heart
Without saying a word you can light up the dark
Try as I may I could never explain
What I hear when you don’t say a thing

The smile on your face lets me know that you need me
There’s a truth in your eyes sayin’ you’ll never leave me
The touch of your hand says you’ll catch me if ever I fall
You say it best when you say nothing at all

Love is so confusing, and has so many emotions. I wish i had someone to catch me right now.

This song helped me get over my ex-fiance. Someone I didn't love as I loved the man who just broke my heart. And, while it helped that first relationship, I don't think it has and bearing on this one. Because i'm not sure that missing "the dance" is better than dealing with the pain. I want him in my life so bad, and hearing him speak about the other girl, i just don't know. I want him to love me. I want him to want to be with me. I want to hear him say he loves me. Garth Brooks, The Dance.

How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all

I would have changed so much. I would have changed everything. I wouldn't have taken our time for granted. I'd have told you while you were here all my fears. Everything i wanted. I would have told you. But somehow, i don't think it would have mattered.

I could listen to songs all day and find some deep meaning in them. I just wish this feeling of complete emptiness would go away. I miss being loved. Not just loved, loved by him.

Unloved. By Jann Arden.

There will be no consolation prize
this time the bone is broken clean
no baptism, no reprise and no sweet taste
of victory. All the stars have fallen
from the sky
and everything else in between
satelites have closed their eyes, the moon
has gone to sleep unloved....unloved....unloved....unloved

here I am inside a hotel choking on a
million words I've said
cigarettes have burned a hole and dreams are
drunk and penniless
here I am inside my fathers arms
all jagged-bone and whiskey-dry
whisper to me sweetly now and tell me I will
never die unloved....unloved....unloved....unloved

here I am an empty hallway
broken window, rainy night
I am nineteen sixty-two and I am ready
for a fight people crying hallelujah
while the bullet leaves the gun
people falling, falling, falling and I don't know
where they're falling from
are they unloved....unloved....unloved....unloved

hoping that the kindness will lead us
past the blindness and
not another living soul will ever have to feel
unloved....unloved....unloved....unloved
unloved....unloved