Memories and confusion.

I woke up tonight at about 11:30pm. The phone was ringing, I let it go to the machine like I do when I am asleep. I listened and heard the familiar voice of my brother. But he sounded different than he normally does when he calls.

"hey becca just calling to call and let you know that dad's dad died, grandpa died this morning. he just called to let me know. um..."

I picked up, half asleep. We talked very briefly about it. I asked when the funeral will be. I'm so torn. My grandpa was the only person in that family that completely accepted my mom, my brother, and I from the time my mom started dating my dad. He never hugged any of his grandkids or children, but he hugged my mom and brother and I.

I can see him sitting in the living room. Nobody was allowed to sit in his chair if he was around. We'd always try to sit there, and he'd always come and kick us out. He was a great man. A man of few words, from what I remember. But he was great. He was the moral compass of that family.

And now I am torn. I knew the day would come where I had to face this. I want to go to the funeral to pay my respects to the family. I haven't seen them in over 5 years. Some of them it has been closer to 15 years since i have seen them. But I don't want to see HIM. I don't want to see my dad. I don't think I could handle seeing him. I don't want to go alone either. I thought of going and sitting in the back of the church, or funeral home, wherever they have the funeral. But seeing him, I don't know if I could even handle seeing him.

And then there's the problem of us being so short staffed that I don't even know if I could go to the funeral if I wanted to. I mean, they HAVE to let me go to the funeral. If anything, i'll have them pull a chicken shift, and I'll do paperwork in the morning, then go to the funeral after I am finished the paperwork, granting that the funeral is in the afternoon. I am just so torn as to what to do.